Mark’s Story – An Amazing Story of God’s Grace

For 25 years I worked as a professional Christian counselor and a number of those years I was the pastor of support and recovery at Vineyard Columbus where I shared that position with my wife, Kathy. I was respected in my small part of the world. I had a godly, loving, mature, beautiful and respectful wife. I had two young adult children who were proud of me and thought I was a wonderful father. I had significant purpose in helping others, was part of a great pastoral team, had a good reputation and was making decent money to boot.  By anyone’s estimation, it was a beautiful life…

 

All this exploded in an atomic bomb-like blast in early December of 2012 when, under duress, I confessed to Kathy that I’d had an affair a year and a half earlier. I had kept it a secret all that time but the secret was slowly killing me. I was becoming more and more aloof and distant. At one point a dear friend asked me point-blank, “Have you had an affair”? I confessed that I had, but expected him to keep it in strict confidence. But after watching me spiral down for some months, he felt like he couldn’t hold my secret any longer. He leaned on me to confess to my wife and said if I didn’t he would tell her himself. And so the nuclear holocaust began…The beauty turned to ashes.

 

In shameful agony, I told Kathy of the affair which was the most horrid day of both of our lives. She was traumatized. The next day, together, we told our supervisor and later in the day I met with our senior pastor in a meeting that was sickening and unbelievably painful and shameful. Then, quickly, everything I had feared came into stark ugly reality. I immediately lost my counseling and pastoral positions, my wife said I could not come back home, I had my professional counselor license suspended, and I had a horrendous confrontation with my 2 young adult children who were traumatized, stunned, confused and angry.

 

I found myself staying with my mother over in Dayton and it was here that the reality began to sink in. I had blown up my life and severely hurt those I loved the most. While walking in a park I contemplated killing myself as I walked along a river. It felt like taking my life was much better than facing the pain, shame, trauma and destruction I had caused. I had horrific shame over having my ugly sin exposed. I had spent my life covering up, hiding and minimizing my sin and character defects. I was the one who helped others with their sin and wounds. Yet I had not been willing to get help for these in my own life. All along, beneath the surface of the successful counselor and pastor, shrouded in denial, fear, pride and shame, was a man very sick with sin and immaturity.

 

As I have pursued recovery, I have progressively come to see just how sick and immature I was despite my position of respect and the significant role I had in people’s lives. I was in significant denial about the degree of my sin and immaturity. I was an idolater who secretly worshiped the beauty of women and illicit sexuality. I was a man who secretly gave himself to lust, fantasy, and pornography. Yet I rationalized that because my looking at porn was “only” once every 1-3 months, I was not an addict. I was much better than the addicts who looked at it every day or once a week. Each time I rationalized that this time was THE last time. I even occasionally rationalized that my sin enabled me to appreciate the grace of God more. Each time I acted out I would feel guilty and ashamed and I would always seek God in what I thought was genuine confession and repentance. I would put myself under his grace and I would resolve that it was the last time. And I thought and felt that it really was…

 

But what I refused to do, over and over again, despite inner promptings from the Spirit was to obey James 5:16 which says “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Whenever I was prompted to give a rigorous and full confession, I would imagine what it would be like and concluded that it wasn’t worth it. The pain it would cause Kathy and the broken trust that would occur—The shame I would feel— The negative ramifications for my pastoral and counseling positions—The disapproval of others I would experience!! For, after all, I was the Support and Recovery pastor! The blow to my pride and my lifelong appearance management strategy—The scrutiny of others, the hard work and vulnerability to which I would be subjected. All of this felt to me like a boulder way too heavy to lift.  I allowed fear, shame, and pride to control me.

 

How foolish this was! Oh, how I wish I had started practicing rigorous confession years and years ago.

 

When we persist in sin and allow our pride, shame, fear and denial to control us then God will lovingly discipline us. His discipline for me was to turn me over to my own sinful devices and their consequences. He allowed me to reap what I had sown over many years. A passage of Scripture I was very familiar with says,

 

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction.” (Galatians 6:7-8).  And so I entered life in the ashes.

 

Life in the Ashes(Hebrews 12:7-8)

 

I ended up in the ashes and the muck of pig pen, just like the prodigal son. It was the lack of full and rigorous confession that landed me there. And the pig pen of God’s loving discipline is terribly painful!

 

“But God disciplines us for our good in order that we might share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time but painful. (I wish he had added “horribly freaking” to “painful” in this passage), Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:7-8).

 

Even when in the pig pen it sometimes takes awhile to reach “the bottom”. Even though I started my recovery in some ways right away, it took me about a year to arrive at the bottom of the muck and mire of the pig pen. For some of us thick-headed people, it takes being in the pig pen for awhile before we are faced with what we most want for our lives. Would I allow the pain and shame of my public fall to drive me to more sin? Or would I, in a new way, embrace my desperate need for my Father, Abba? Would I retreat into isolation and medicate myself with sinful pleasure now that I had lost nearly everything? Would I continue to believe lies and continue in my idolatry? Or would the tremendous pain and loss bring me to the bottom? Would I allow God to break me and refine me? Would I choose to commit myself to Jesus and to honest and accountable relationships with brothers in Christ despite the loss of nearly everything I valued? I had to answer those questions for myself.

 

In the meantime, Kathy believed strongly that the Lord was leading her to end the marriage, which perplexed her because I was pursuing recovery. But, she consistently felt the Lord clearly telling her to stay distant from me and have as little communication with me as possible. I needed to experience the full weight of life without her. And I think God was protecting her from the fits and starts of my early recovery. However, she consistently gave me the message that she would remain open to reconciliation if I continued to pursue recovery and could build a solid year of sobriety. She courageously followed the Spirit’s leading even though it wasn’t what she would have chosen. Her decision to divorce me was a huge blow and I did some acting out in order to medicate the pain and loss I felt. I confessed this to some degree to my support team but I kept it secret from Kathy. I feared that it would be the last straw and that she would for sure give up all hope and just completely turn away from me forever.

 

The day our divorce was finalized in an attorney’s office was a terrible day. But afterward, Kathy asked if I wanted to have dinner together. She had some things she wanted to tell me. She told me again that if I could build a year of purity she was open to building a new relationship! We spoke of a future together! I was so happy but I was still holding some secrets. Nine days later she saw some journaling on my open computer screen which made it clear I hadn’t confessed everything to her. This was a huge kick to her stomach. It took me three separate times meeting with her to finally bring it all out. Of course, this badly hurt Kathy and angered her that a year into my recovery I was still covering things up and being very slow to rigorous honesty. The fresh pain that I caused her and my adult children, Kylie and Keegan, was very ugly. The shame and pain I felt were excruciating. At this point, I reached my bottom, around the end of March 2014. It was then that I began to commit myself to rigorous honesty.

 

Developing rigorous honesty has been at the very core of my transformation. As I have pressed toward this honesty I have encountered just how vulnerable being honest really is. It is extremely vulnerable! This honesty involves so much. It means courageously confessing sin and temptation to a select few. It means courageously speaking out vulnerable emotions and the thoughts and beliefs that generate those emotions. It means having the courage to speak what we think is truth to others in love. It means having the courage to express opinions and convictions that may be disagreed with. And most importantly it has led me to see much more clearly the core lie that has energized me all my life and has created tremendous fear or anxiety. This core lie and the fear it has birthed is what has motivated my dishonesty and refusal to be vulnerable.

 

This core lie is amazingly simple and one that I’ve helped others to see for themselves many times over my years as a counselor. Yet discerning it in others is much easier than seeing and owning it in me. The lie is this: my real naked self is not acceptable or lovable. My real, naked self-means my inmost being that has been hidden beneath layers of self-protection. It’s the part of me that has deep longings and desires for belonging, love, acceptance and significance. It’s me that is easily hurt and has lots of fear and anxiety about being adequate as a person and whether I will have the approval of people. It’s the part of me that had hurt and losses throughout my childhood which I hid deep inside somewhere so I wouldn’t feel the pain. It’s the part of me that has quite a few weaknesses and struggles with various temptations. In other words, it is the fallen, imperfect but very valuable human part of me!

 

From a very early age, I rejected and hid this part of me. I concluded that it wasn’t safe to be my “authentic self” because of the unconscious lie that I was inadequate and unlovable. At the time I had no awareness of this conclusion or the inner vow that I made because of it. At some point, I made a vow that was beneath my childhood conscious awareness that I would never allow my true naked self to be seen. This was a self-protective vow birthed out of my sin nature, shame and pride. I believe our sin nature, which we are born with, is the primary driver of our character defects. The sin nature (the flesh) or indwelling sin is extremely ego-centric and committed to self-preservation and self-promotion.

 

So I had a very insecure sense of relational and emotional attachment and never believed the truth that my inner authentic self was valuable. Thus, out flowed the core lie and the vow which in turn produced dishonesty, self-protection, shame, distance in the relationship, people-pleasing and a strong “performance mentality”. Furthermore, all these were fertile ground for enslaving sexual sin, which is often coined “false intimacy”. It is very pleasurable, controllable and safe for it doesn’t require the authentic self to be vulnerable and at risk like real intimacy requires.

 

Beauty from the Ashes (Ephesians 2:8-9)

 

So you now have a large window into the sickness and ugly sin that lay beneath my public persona.

 

BUT that is not the end of the story! The reason this is not the end of the story is because of God’s amazing grace! I thought I valued God’s grace before all this but until you are undone by your sin and its consequences you don’t REALLY understand grace. Grace is God’s love, acceptance and fondness towards us that is not earned, not deserved! This is the most beautiful and powerful gift in all the universe!  Through THE CROSS!

 

God’s grace enabled me to stay at Vineyard Columbus instead of running away. God’s grace enabled me to courageously connect with many people who have been critical to my transformation. My core lie and the vow I made had imprisoned me in isolation safe from the gaze of others. I was heavily involved with many people yet isolated from everyone. But God’s grace has shattered that self-protective isolation and has enabled me to be transparent and my real genuine self.

 

By grace alone, I involved myself in 180, a ministry at Vineyard Columbus for men pursuing sexual integrity. By grace alone, I also participated in Celebrate Recovery (a ministry which my wife and I launched at Vineyard Columbus while on staff there). By grace alone, I had the courage to join a weekly small band of brothers to work the steps of recovery. I met with Pastor Ron Hitchcock every other week after the Saturday service. I met with a spiritual director twice a month for a year and a professional counselor who specializes in sexual brokenness twice a month for three years. God’s grace also allowed me to be sponsored by my friend Denny who was the one who leaned on me to confess the affair to Kathy. For a year I called him every day to speak out sin, temptation, and victories. He has been a huge lifeline to me. God’s grace gave me the strength to write many letters of amends and to meet with anyone who desired to meet with me face to face. All this has formed rigorous honesty in me. By grace alone!

 

God’s grace enabled me to face my terrible sin and brokenness because God delights in me even though I have utterly failed to perform well.

 

“For it is by grace that you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9)

 

My favorite Irish Christian band, Rend Collective, has been like a faithful friend that has walked along beside me and has encouraged me so much. Their song “Joy” (The Art of Celebration album) has a line that means so much to me “The dark is just a canvas for your grace and brightness”  The darkness in me and in you is a canvas for him to show the artwork of his grace!  Therefore we can face it head on and be honest with others about it!

 

By God’s grace, He forgives me when I utterly do not deserve it! God’s grace enabled me to admit my idolatry, my lack of trust in God, my dishonesty and deception, my strong people-pleasing, my shame, my controlling fear and my pride. Grace has empowered me to be able to accept the truth that I am Abba’s beloved son despite being totally undeserving of it. I visualize my Father God running towards me with joy and abandon to be reunited with me, the prodigal son! I picture myself in the arms of Abba, as he celebrates my return and how much he loves and values me! Grace is enabling me to embrace the value of my true but very imperfect self, created in God’s image. God’s grace has enabled me to establish a strong purity and has broken the power of lust, idolatry, and coveting. Of course, this is something I actively engage in one day at a time. Grace has enabled me to engage in the process of forgiving people who have hurt me throughout my life. God’s grace has empowered me to let myself off the hook of my own anger and receive His forgiveness. Grace is helping me to catch my tendency to defend myself when my family expresses that they feel angry, scared or feel pain. God’s grace is helping me trust him with my many fears about the future. God’s grace is enabling me to hold my head high despite my terrible sin and the way I’ve so badly hurt Kathy, Kylie, and Keegan.

 

Because of God’s grace and forgiveness Keegan and Kylie have each spoken out a detailed list of the pain and losses that they have experienced and have forgiven me for each one. Talk about painful and joyful weeping! Both of my kids are growing in respect of me and are very expressive of their love for me. Both of them feel free to confess their struggles, sin, and temptations to me! This is one positive outcome of being such a big sinner, people feel much more free to confess their struggles, sin, and temptations! This is pure grace! It also is a clear example of Romans 8:28-29 which says

 

“And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those whose love him, those who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

 

And MOST amazing to me is the grace of God at work in Kathy.

 

In April 2015, the Holy Spirit spoke clearly to her and told her “I will make Mark a man worthy of you!’ This caused her to cry with joy for she always wanted to be reconciled. He also wanted her to ask me to take a polygraph test to confirm that I had told her the truth about everything. I was a bit nervous about this (what if I was really telling the truth but the test said I wasn’t?) But I was on board to do it because I had been truthful about everything with her. I passed the test with flying colors and we’ve been working on our relationship one step at a time ever since! What grace and forgiveness Kathy has received from Jesus and then given to me! She is taking a huge risk to trust God and to open her heart up to me again! She is being very open and honest with me. In fact, all this led us to be re-married!  What beauty God has brought from the ugly ashes!

 

God indeed is making something beautiful out of the ashes! He is so righteous holy and pure, yet so merciful, forgiving, and kind. I will be forever amazed at what He has done for me and I want to share this story, His story, with as many people as possible so others can stand with us in awe of His amazing grace!

 

You can read more about Mark’s Ministry “Nathan’s Cry” at his website.

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