Bob’s Story

Bob’s Life Story

In 2001 I accidentally found a pornography sight on my PC.  It’s not as if I had not seen porn before but I did not actively search for it.  I did not buy pornography magazines nor did I frequent strip clubs.  But that day I looked and got busted by my wife who was extremely upset and hurt.  She said I cheated on her.  I did not understand.  How ignorant was I?  I did the necessary apologies and promised to never do that again.

I met and spoke with my Pastor but I had no idea what had happened and why.   A year or so later while my wife took the kids on an overnight trip I went to my PC and purposefully found porn and a chat sight and wrote things to someone who was probably phony preying on a naïve sole such as I.  The chemicals in my brain were highly active but again I had no clue what was going on.  I tried to erase everything and my wife found it again.  This time we ended up separated and in counseling and I found Celebrate Recovery.

CR was good but did not deal with my specific issue.  Long story short my wife and I reconciliated.  For the next 10-11 years I behaved as I should.  I didn’t get close to my PC in any inappropriate manner and was a choir boy on the outside.   We went to church, I was involved in ministry in various areas.  However, I had wandering eyes and my brain was extremely active at times with thoughts that didn’t exactly meet the criteria of “not even a hint of sexually immorality.”  I acted out on occasion but being a strong believer in God and Christ, shame and guilt and trying hard kept things under wrap.  I prayed about this issue between my ears but It was a half-hearted effort because I didn’t truly want to surrender it.  I was ok with the occasional binge-purge cycle I was in however much guilt it would cause.

Fast forward to the Spring of 2014 or so.  I had gotten a smart phone a couple of years before but had almost nothing on my phone but email, text messages and sports apps.  Of course, I also had the internet.  For a period of months, I had been searching legitimate websites to improve my understand of my wife and how to improve our sex life.  As I said the websites were legitimate and had a lot of good information but they were suggestive and provided many triggers.

One night, purely by accident I saw something that perked my interest.  I investigated and found some soft porn.  I took it a step further and the next thing you know, BOOM!  Within a few weeks, I was hooked.  I was like a runaway freight train after several months.  For about 18 months or so I tried to stop many times out of guilt and shame and knowing I was a strong believer and I was betraying my wife and sinning against God.  I hated that feeling.  I was living a double life, one as an over the road truck driver, addicted to porn and acting out in the cab and bunk of my truck during the week and while I was home on the weekend I was able to almost completely shut down my brain and love my wife, go to church and be a phony Christian.

Fast forward to the fall of 2015.  I had found several chat sites communicating with people, mostly men, having conversations about topics I had no business having.  On several occasions, I had women contact me and we ended up having online sex.  In November of 2015 I met a woman online and we started chatting.  We had great conversation but also had online sex.  Then we met in person.  Wrong move.  The fourth time we met we had sex.  It was not great.  I was apprehensive but I had received so much affirmation from her I could not hold back.  I was barely able to perform because I do believe I had Porn induced Erectile Dysfunction.  I had had trouble performing in my marriage for about a year.

I had already been taking steps to move in a more spiritual direction due to a Chip Ingram sermon series on Spiritual Warfare.  As a result, I had prayed to stop watching porn and had not watched for several weeks.  To this day, I have not watched porn since mid-November of 2015.  I can’t explain it, I just know it was God!  But I could not turn off the juices that were flowing from the relationship with this other woman as she made me feel like a million bucks, seducing me about how great I was and what a crappy marriage she had.  At the time, I was complaining about my marriage.

I had no idea at the time how much I was in sexual bondage and how selfish and self-centered I had become.  But that day so convicted me that I told her that this was it, it would never happen again.  However out of fear I continued to communicate with her.  Wrong move.  I was afraid partially because she knew my wife’s name and all four of my kid’s names and had pulled them all up on Facebook.  My children are all adults but I didn’t know what to expect from her or what to do.  God did!  My wife intercepted a text message on Jan 1, 2016 and all hell broke loose.  God knew what was going to happen and he allowed it to happen.   I denied everything and lied to my wife’s face.

When I left out on the road my wife got on the internet and found phone records and text messages I had not deleted.  My cell phone was linked to our PC on AT&T so she found a great deal of my online activity.  She immediately called screaming at me and cussing me out, sending text messages just pissed off to no end, angry and deeply hurt. My wife said I was a sexual deviant monster.  She said she could never trust me again and wanted nothing to with me ever again. I know I behaved like a sexual deviant monster but that is not who I am.  I had no idea how sick I was though.

I didn’t know what to do. I spent a couple of days constantly asking myself and God why and how?  I was very emotional, distraught driving down the interstates and highways in my rig.  Then I began to ask myself WHAT?  What do I do now?  I called four of my closer friends, one who had walked down this road 10 years earlier and another who had battled addiction.  I was completely broken and had hit a rock bottom that I never knew existed.  I knew I had sinned against God and my wife and myself.  I knew my Christian faith was authentic but I had many issues that had kept me from really connecting with God.  I wanted to change badly!!!  I knew God was the answer but I didn’t know in what way to turn.

I got on my knees many times in the next week or so.  I prayed for these specific things.

1. God, I believe in you.  I could never denounce you.  I would die for you if someone pointed a gun at my head.  BUT, I do not revere you and have a sense of awe for you that I truly desire and you want from me.  You are the creator of the universe, the stars, the earth, the mountains, oceans and every human being who has ever lived or will live but I don’t have the respect for you I should have and I desperately want that and have wanted that for years and years.  I want to experience of complete AWE for you.
2. God, in your word in the book of Deuteronomy and again in the gospels Jesus said in Matthew that the greatest commandment is to “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  Lord most people seem to act as if this impossible.  How can I love my neighbor if I hate myself?  I don’t want to hate myself!  How can I love myself if I don’t love you the way you want me to?  Jesus said this is the greatest commandment so it must be possible!  I want to experience it!
3. Lord, I have been a Christian for 40 years and I have a lot of intellectual knowledge but you know I have struggled greatly with connecting my heart and mind and I just have not connected with the Holy Spirit in my heart. God, I want to know the Holy Spirit.  I want to experience His power in my life.
4. God, I have to learn what it is to completely surrender this sexual sin in my life. I want to surrender everything in my life and really experience your power.  I know this is about my life and not my wife and I desperately want to connect with you.  I am dealing with so much guilt, shame and self-hate and I betrayed the most important person in my life.  I’m Lost

As a result of conversations with my four friends I started my road to recovery by contacting Sexaholics Anonymous.  I didn’t know if I was a sexaholic or a sex addicts but I was not in a position to argue with myself.  I called New Life and Steve Arterburn who had co-authored the book “Every Mans Battle.”  What a revelation!  I knew I was much worse than most of the men in that book.  I read the book and journaled every chapter.  From the very beginning I was trying to glean every bit of information I could.  I wanted to learn how and why.

I went to several SA face to face meetings and went back to CR.  SA has phone meetings and I was attending a couple a day.  It was awkward but I persevered.  Along the way I have met about 7-8 guys who are authentic believers in Christ.  There 3 men who I speak with 4-5 time a week.  I love those guys and I’ve only met one in person but these relationships have grown since March.

Then a miracle happened.  A friend of mine from CR, Bob Berryman told me about this program at Vineyard.  He couldn’t remember the name but he got close.  I researched and found Men’s 180 in early February 2016.  I arranged to go to a face to face meeting.  I was not afraid to go in to there or SA or CR.  I was broken and wanted to be fixed.

I wanted to Love God and if this is where I could find help then I was all in.  I met a guy named Doug and we had a very productive conversation.  John was not there.  I got some resources.  I immediately started reading “Unconditional Surrender to the Holy Spirit.”  I journaled every day.  It took me 2 months to go through.  From the email devotions, conversations with John, Bible reading and all my resources, I was suddenly getting all the Holy Spirit I wanted and was utilizing.  Then I read 40 Days of Purity and journaled that.  In the meantime, I was listening to David Jeremiah on my phone app and listening to Chip Ingram.  I printed out message notes for Chip Ingram and listened to his messages and wrote notes.  I have 2 spiral notebooks of about 15 Chip Ingram sermons.

I met John a few weeks later at a face to face meeting.  Because of my job as an over the road truck driver I could not make the face to face meetings.  John agreed to become my accountability partner and I could call him every weekday.  I did and still do today.  I’m not shy and I wanted to be healed.  I asked, he answered.  He advised, I listened.  We talk about recovery and sometimes theology but he has made it clear that wants my focus on a deeper walk with Christ.  I had started getting the email devotions in February and I journaled every one for 7 months until information was being recycled and I was retaining and building up a reservoir of knowledge.  I still journal emails.  Almost every one the month of December.

John shared his prayer protocol of Galatians and being filled with the Spirit, Romans 12:1-2 and putting on the Armor of God.  I studied those scriptures to get the full meaning.  I made them my scriptures.  I have prayed them almost every morning since March till today and will continue to do so.  I pray them differently every morning depending on my thoughts and my emotion.  I have added to them as I had need.  I was in the fight and trial of my life so I added James 1.  Asking god patience to endure and persevere and to do so with a joy or looking forward to the work he needed to do in me to make me more mature and complete.

So, here is my prayer protocol

1. Galatians 2:20
2. The context and message of Galatians 5: 16-26
3. The context and message of Ephesians 5: 15-20
4. Romans 12:1-2 – To offer my body as living sacrifice; My eyes, what I take in and the purity I receive it; My tongue, the words that come out of my mouth.  I offer my mind, what my thoughts are and my heart and what my emotions and feelings are.  I offer my soul and my will in order to be pleasing to God today.  Do not conform to the pattern of this world and to renew my mind with everything I take in through Bible Reading, I want the written word to become the living word in my life.  Renew my mind through everything that is spiritual that I listen to so the Holy Spirit can be transforming me in order to understand God’s will and purpose for my life today.
5. The context and message of Ephesians 6: 10-20, The Armor of God. I have a detailed explanation of each piece of armor and I pray it differently all the time.
6. James 1: 1-6 – Praying to persevere through this trial in my life and praying for His wisdom.

That is my protocol.  I sometimes have to be filled with the Spirit several times a day.  I have figured out what my wounds and hurts from my past are and why I was medicating.  My main addictions are my approval addiction and deep need for affirmation which translates into a desire to lust and to be lusted after so I can feel good about myself.  I am insecure.  I am a glass is half-empty kind of guy who can be pessimistic and negative.  I have anger and resentment issues.  So, I pray for the Holy Spirit to help me be alert and nudge me the second these issues rear their ugly head so my flesh doesn’t grab them and get a head of steam.  The Spirit nudges me and I just say no!  Move on.  If I allow them to fester the Spirit will get my attention and I might pray to take them captive to the obedience of Christ.

I went 4 months with no porn, internet, or acting out.  A Christian Psychologist told to beware because of the way I was found out, I could have been scared straight.  He was right.  In April, of this year, after 120 days of sobriety, I started to struggle with euphoric recall and sexual fantasies.  I tried hard to fight them off.  From April to July I fell 6 times or so.  I kept having many and repeated sexual fantasies with the woman I committed adultery with.  I knew she would have me in a heartbeat and I knew I could get hold of her.

I almost did on two occasions but somehow the Spirit prevailed.  I had to learn to stand strong in his might.  I had to learn to set boundaries.  One of the first things I had done back in January was listen and journal a Chip Ingram study on Grace.  It had a great effect on me.  I had to take everything I learned from every resource and start applying it.  Each time I slipped I learned something about this disease, God and myself.  One of my biggest issues as a Christian man was to learn that God loved me, chose me, adopted me, forgave me and did not condemn me.

I had to learn to stop self-judging and condemning myself.  I had to apply all that I had learned but I had to learn to prepare and fight in the moment with His power and strength.  A couple of times I just acted out in pure stubborn rebellion because I wanted to fantasize and act out with my wife.  I just continued to pray every morning.  I continued to be in God’s word.  I continued to ask God for strength to win this battle.  My periods of acting out were all at night so I started praying specifically for sexual purity at night.

I wrote a Dear Bob letter to myself about what my deepest desires were as a child of God and how much I desired to be a Godly man, including sexual purity.  I kept that letter next to my bunk and read it on a number of occasions when I might feel triggered or weak.  I continued making phone calls on a daily basis or when necessary.  I still get a trigger or temptation every day.  God has done a metamorphosis on me turning me from a worm into a butterfly.  I’m feeling stronger to take off from that tree branch and be strong and free, in Christ, flying strong in His might.

Today I am closer to God than I’ve ever been.  Do I love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength?  I’ve made a ton of progress and I can say without hesitation, “I love you Lord.”  Thank you so much for what you have done for me!  What was the weakest part of my walk with the Lord, the presence of the Holy Spirit in my heart, may very well be the strongest part of my relationship with God today.  What am I working on today?  As a result of everything I’ve learned and my connection with God, I love my wife more than I thought I could, unconditionally, but I want there to be no doubt that I love Jesus Christ more than I could ever love anything or anybody so I am spending time in prayer specifically for that.

I have a family background of addiction with alcohol and drugs.  I have addictive tendencies.  I have learned to live one day at a time.  It has been a process.  Sometimes a day seems like a week.  It has been 13 months since I watched porn.  12 months since I’ve been on the internet.  The sexual fantasies are few and the Holy Spirit is strong and fighting the flesh.  I just keep starting my day in prayer and in the word and do a devotion which today is “31 ways that God says “I Love You.”

Today, almost a year since my wife found out, nothing has changed in our marital situation.  She has not filed for divorce but she still wants nothing to with me.  The silence is deafening.  I still have guilt because of what I did to her.  But I’m no longer allowing myself to be driven by guilt and shame.  I’m presently looking for a place to live, an apartment or shared living situation.  God is opening up doors of opportunity for me through this ministry and my church.  I read information from other spiritual recovery groups to increase my knowledge but I know this about my relationship with Christ and walking it out on a daily basis.  It’s about reaching out to other men and hoping God can use me to help others avoid what my wife, and family has.